sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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