Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
