Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he fucked my hip out of place.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
