it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize