I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
