Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
