After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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