I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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