Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
