I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
