Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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