went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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