no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize