After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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