I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
