this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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