im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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