I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize