"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just want nice things and good sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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