why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I've blown a few things in my day
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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