my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
