I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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