How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Damn victory sex feels great
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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