Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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