I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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