I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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