Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
