i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
