This show inspires me to have sex in space
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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