i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
