Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
