You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
