I cannot find my penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
