Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This is my gift to your gina
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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