My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
