just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize