bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
