Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
