Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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