Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
