I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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