u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
