I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize