My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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