I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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