Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I am available for nakedness
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
