I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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