God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just google imaged poop.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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