i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
