I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
