If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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