i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize