Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
