Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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