He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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