Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
