I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
