Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
