I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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