Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
