i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
